Lets Talk About Anxiety

The last few weeks have been hard. Oliver has been sick and Its taken its toll. But I want to break it down for the people who just dont get it.
Please let me help you to understand.

I see your eyes roll when I tell you about my son being sick and how having Down Syndrome and congenital heart disease affects his immune system.
And I get it.. Ive said it a million times before and your sick of hearing it. But it terrifies me.

But what I dont tell you is I suffer major anxiety each time I hear him cough.

I wake up and I can see in his eyes that he is not well, and I instantly feel my stomach turning. Because I know how quickly it can get worse.

I sit up awake at night staring at his chest, watching it rise and fall, because I know what It looks like to be in respiratory distress from something as simple as a viral infection.

I see the doctor about each and every little thing, because I need the reassurance that its not as bad as I make it out to be in my head.

I take him to the Emergency Department time and time again and I demand xrays and bloods, because that is how I know he is ok. I need to see it for myself.

I see him tired, lethargic and breathing faster and harder than normal and all I can envision is that big red emergency button being pushed, nurses and doctors running in to help, his weak little body inside an isolette, iv fluids, not being able to hold him, watching him struggle and not being able to do anything.

I stress about his blocked nose, because all I see is the nurses using suction to unblock it so he can breathe, while he screams and his nose bleeds.

I do not sleep because I worry.
What if he stops breathing and I dont know? I dont want to see my baby blue in the face ever again. Ive seen it enough.

I do not mean to repeat myself.

I do not intend to make a big deal about something that may seem "small" to you.

I genuinly have a sense of fear and anxiousness come over me when I know he is unwell.

I cannot control it.

I feel uneasy from the slightest cough, blocked nose, and rash.

This is not me being over dramatic.

This is Anxiety.




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